The Vampire Boyfriend
by Pjazz
Summary: Kramer and Newman suspect Elaine's new boyfriend is a vampire.


The Vampire Boyfriend  
A Seinfeld fan's script 2003  
BY PJAZZ  
STANDUP ROUTINE  
You never see a vampire who's a total slob. Did you ever notice that? They're always smartly dressed. Satin lined jacket, cape, hair neat. You never saw Bela Lugosi in chinos, scuffed reeboks and a Mets vest. Wearing a baseball cap back to front and smoking a stoogie. For the undead they're very fashion consious. And the women vampires. Always in diaphonous gowns, showing plenty of cleavage, hair beautifully styled. Basically what they're saying is - ok so we're evil bloodsucking fiends damned to walk the earth for all of eternity. But hey, we have a feminine side. We moisturise. We like to look our best.  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.  
GEORGE  
D'you suppose Superman ever used his X ray vision to spy on girls?  
  
JERRY  
He's superman, not Super george.  
  
GEORGE  
How about Superboy? A teenager in Smallville with all those hormones raging?   
You telling me he didn't peek? Oh he peeked.  
  
JERRY  
Remember X ray spex advertised inside the comic?  
  
GEORGE  
Total conjob. I wasted 5 bucks on them. Lot of money when you're 12.  
  
JERRY  
If they actually worked every man in the country would have them.   
Women would have to wear lead lined underwear.  
  
GEORGE  
I bought a pair to spy on Ruthie Finkelstein. Remember her?   
Her mother caught me staring and gave me such a pounding.  
  
JERRY  
Ruthie Finkelstein. Big girl. Early developer.  
  
GEORGE  
Big, big girl. I think she hit puberty in kindergarten.  
  
JERRY  
I wonder what happened to her?  
  
GEORGE  
Probably making a fortune in porno.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS.   
  
ELAINE  
Hey.  
  
GEORGE  
Hey, Elaine. When did you....you know. (MIMES BREASTS)  
  
ELAINE  
What? Wash my hands?  
  
GEORGE  
No. Develop breasts.  
  
ELAINE  
13-ish. How about you?  
  
JERRY  
Good one.  
  
GEORGE  
Very funny. I'll have you know, Elaine, that I can still fit into clothes   
I bought 6 months ago.  
  
ELAINE  
What about clothes you bought 6 years ago?  
  
GEORGE  
Hey, we're not talking miracles here.  
  
JERRY  
I'm the same size I was in high school.  
  
GEORGE  
Now that's abnormal. Isn't that abnormal, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
What d'you expect? All he eats is cereal.  
  
JERRY  
It has all the essential vitamins. Plus added riboflavin.  
  
GEORGE  
Riboflavin. Whoopeedoo.  
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER AND NEWMAN ENTER.  
JERRY  
Kramer. Newman. What d'you want?  
  
KRAMER  
We've come to warn Elaine. Before it's too late.  
  
ELAINE  
Warn me? Too late for what?  
  
NEWMAN  
Your boyfriend, Morgan.  
  
ELAINE  
Morgan? What about Morgan? He's not in an accident is he?  
  
KRAMER  
He's a vampire.  
  
JERRY  
What?  
  
NEWMAN  
A fiend of the Night!  
  
KRAMER  
The undead, Jerry. A bloodsucker.  
  
JERRY  
Have you two completely lost your minds?  
  
ELAINE  
There's no such thing as vampires.  
  
GEORGE  
Not even in New York.  
  
JERRY  
They're a myth. Like your intelligence.  
  
KRAMER  
We have it on the highest authority.Morgan is a vampire.  
  
JERRY  
What high authority?  
  
NEWMAN  
The US Postal Service.  
  
JERRY  
Oh this is gonna be good.  
  
NEWMAN  
This guy is on my route. He's never in to sign for his packages.  
  
ELAINE  
So? He's at work all day.  
  
KRAMER  
Is he, Elaine? Or is he resting in coffin in the family crypt waiting for the sun to set.  
  
ELAINE  
What crypt? He lives in a duplex on the upper west side.  
  
NEWMAN  
I delivered a package once. From Europe. It contained - soil.  
  
KRAMER  
Vampires have to sleep on their native soil. In the coffin.I saw it in a movie.  
  
ELAINE  
You opened Morgan's mail? Who gave you the right?  
  
NEWMAN  
The US Postal Service. Plus we do it all the time.   
You never know when you might find porn.  
  
KRAMER  
Tell me this, Elaine. Have you ever seen Morgan during the day?  
  
ELAINE  
Well, No. But only because we're both at work.   
We were going to the zoo last weekend, but he had to cancel.  
  
KRAMER  
Ah ha!  
  
JERRY  
Will you crackpots get out of my apartment!  
  
KRAMER  
Oh we're going. But I warn you, Jerry.   
If Morgan bites Elaine she becomes a creature of the night.   
And if she bites you - pow! - no more sunbathing for you, buddy.  
  
NEWMAN  
Beware, Elaine. Beware!  
  
JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR  
  
JERRY  
Can you believe those two idiots? Vampires.  
  
GEORGE  
You never see an overweight vampire, ever notice that? Or a bald one.  
  
JERRY  
I guess that lets you out.  
  
ELAINE  
Morgan a vampire. I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.  
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. ELAINE AND MORGAN. MORGAN IS TALL AND HANDSOME.   
HE'S WEARING A CAPE.  
WAITER  
May I take your cape, sir?  
  
MORGAN  
Yes. Thank you.  
  
ELAINE  
Wow. A cape. I don't think I've been out with someone who wore a cape before.   
Isn't it a little unusual?  
  
MORGAN  
It's a family trait. My father wears a cape. Even my great grandfather wears a cape.  
  
ELAINE  
Your great grandfather? Is he still alive?  
  
MORGAN  
Oh yes. We're a very long lived family.  
  
ELAINE  
Ri-ght.  
  
WAITER ARRIVES TO TAKE ORDER.  
  
MORGAN  
I'll have the steak. Very, very rare.   
So rare the blood's still fresh in the veins. Haha!  
  
ELAINE LAUGHS UNEASILY  
  
WAITER  
And for madam?  
  
ELAINE  
I'll have the goulash. With extra garlic. Really love my garlic. Haha!  
MORGAN LAUGHS UNEASILY  
  
WAITER EXITS  
ELAINE  
Ouch! The menu gave me a paper cut.  
  
MORGAN  
You're bleeding. Here. Let me.  
MORGAN TAKES ELAINE'S FINGER AND SUCKS THE BLOOD OFF.  
MORGAN  
Hmm! You're delicious, Elaine. I can't wait to taste more of you.  
  
ELAINE  
Little old me? No, no. Just plain old O neg running through these veins.   
Now my friend Jerry's AB positive. The rarest type you can get.   
I'm sure he'd be much tastier than me.  
  
MORGAN  
Haha! I'll try and remember that.  
CUT TO  
EXT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING. ELAINE AND MORGAN.  
  
MORGAN  
It's been a wonderful evening, Elaine.   
  
ELAINE  
Yeah. It's been...something.  
  
MORGAN LEANS IN TO KISS ELAINE BUT RECOILS FROM THE GARLIC ON HER BREATH.   
INSTEAD HE SMOOCHS ON HER EXPOSED NECK.  
  
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY.  
  
THE DOOR OPENS. ELAINE ENTERS. SHE HAS A VISIBLE HICKEY ON HER NECK.  
JERRY  
Well well. If it isn't the bride of Dracula. How was your date with the Count?  
  
ELAINE  
Let me put it this way. He wears a cape. Likes his meat raw.   
Loves the taste of my blood.  
And his family live forever.  
Ringing any bells?  
  
JERRY  
What's that on your neck? Is that a hickey?  
  
ELAINE  
Yeah. That's another thing. Morgan didn't kiss me on the lips.  
  
JERRY  
I'm not surprised. You reek, Elaine. Garlic. Use a mouthwash.  
  
ELAINE  
Quit bugging me about the garlic.  
  
JERRY  
you actually believe Kramer and Newman's vampire nonsense?  
  
ELAINE  
Jerry, when Morgan left I went up to my apartment and pulled the drapes.   
Outside the window I saw a bat. Flying west.  
  
JERRY  
You think it was Morgan? I guess being a bat would save on cab fares.  
  
ELAINE  
It's not funny, Jerry. I can't become a vampire. I just can't.   
I'm not a nocturnal person. Mr. Peterman would never let me work nights.   
And the sallow complexion. My God, the sallow complexion. I need my rays.  
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A LARGE CRUCIFIX HANGING ROUND HIS NECK.  
KRAMER  
Hey Jerry, can I borrow--- (SPOTS ELAINE) Jerry, Elaine's neck! Vampire bite!  
  
JERRY  
You idiot. It's a hickey.  
  
KRAMER  
Back! Get back! Foul fiend!  
  
KRAMER PUSHES THE CRUCIFIX IN ELAINE'S FACE.  
  
ELAINE  
Ow! Kramer, that hit me!  
  
KRAMER  
See, Jerry. She recoiled from the cross. Vampires fear the cross.  
  
ELAINE  
Of course I recoiled. You hit me right in the face, you doofus.  
  
KRAMER  
You keep her here. I'll get a priest.  
  
KRAMER EXITS  
  
ELAINE  
Never mind the priest. Bring a psychiatrist!  
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET. GEORGE IS AT A NEWSTAND FLICKING THROUGH THE MAGAZINES.  
  
RUTHIE FINKELSTEIN AND HER MOTHER APPROACH.  
RUTHIE  
George? George Costanza? It is you.  
  
GEORGE  
Ruthie Finkelstein?  
DISSOLVE TO __  
  
***FLASHBACK  
  
***12 YEAR OLD GEORGE IS STARING AT A 12 YEAR OLD RUTHIE.  
  
***RUTHIE  
***Mommie! George Costanza is looking at me funny!  
  
***MRS FINKELSTEIN  
***Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked boy!  
***MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.  
DISSOLVE TO PRESENT DAY.  
  
GEORGE IS STARING AT RUTHIE  
RUTHIE  
Ma! George Costanza's looking at me funny!  
  
MRS FINKELSTEIN  
Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked man!  
MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.  
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY IN A BOOTH.  
  
GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS MUSSED, TIE AND COLLAR ASKEW.   
THERE'S A LARGE PURPLE BRUISE ON HIS NECK.  
  
GEORGE SITS OPPOSITE JERRY.  
JERRY  
What the hell happened to you?  
  
GEORGE  
I ran into Ruthie Finkelstein. Her mother caught me.  
  
JERRY  
Caught you? Doing what?  
  
GEORGE  
I think I ogled.  
  
JERRY  
Ogled? Are you sure?  
  
GEORGE  
It might have been an appreciative look. I'm not sure. It happened so fast.  
  
JERRY  
Tell me this. Did your eyes bug out?  
  
GEORGE  
Maybe. A little.  
  
JERRY  
Did you suffer tunnel vision?  
  
GEORGE  
Yes. Severe tunnel vision.  
  
JERRY  
Hmm. How about tongue lolling? Was there any tongue lollage?  
  
GEORGE  
They may have been some inadvertant tongue lolling. But definitely no dribbling.  
  
JERRY  
Then you, my friend, ogled.  
  
GEORGE  
Ok.Ok. I ogled. Anyone would ogle, Jerry. Ruthie Finkelstein's bosom is like   
the Great Wall of China. You could see it from outer space.  
  
JERRY  
Wow.  
  
GEORGE  
Her mother whacked me with her walking stick. It was deja vu all over again.  
  
JERRY  
Dangerous thing a woman's bosom. A principal cause of traffic accidents.   
'I don't know what happened, officer. I was driving along, doing a steady 30,   
when suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere. Double-ds.   
Next thing I know my fender's wrapped round a hydrant.'  
  
GEORGE  
It's the jiggle. I think I could resist if it wasn't for the jiggle.  
WOMAN WALKS PAST THE BOOTH  
JERRY/GEORGE  
The jiggle.  
  
KRAMER ENTERS  
  
KRAMER  
Hey amigos! George, what's that on your neck?  
  
GEORGE  
My neck?  
  
KRAMER  
Morgan bit you as well!  
  
JERRY  
Kramer---  
  
KRAMER  
It's just you and me left now, Jerry!  
KRAMER EXITS  
GEORGE  
What's with Kramer?  
  
JERRY  
He's still got this crazy idea in his head Morgan's a vampire.   
He's even got Elaine spooked.  
  
GEORGE  
You know, being a vampire wouldn't be such a bad life.  
  
JERRY  
Death. They're the undead.  
  
GEORGE  
Whatever. No job, do nothing but drink and sleep.   
Chow down on any beautiful woman's neck takes your fancy.   
Even dead they lead a better life than I do.  
  
JERRY  
I don't see you as a vampire.  
  
GEORGE  
You don't? Why not?  
  
JERRY  
You don't seem the type.  
  
GEORGE  
Cause I'm short, bald and carrying a few extra pounds?   
Well let me tell you something, my friend. I could be a vampire.   
I could suck blood, baby. Not the type? You just try me!  
  
GEORGE EXITS  
EXT. NIGHT. CAB. ELAINE AND MORGAN.  
  
IT'S A STORMY NIGHT. LIGHTNING, THUNDER, ETC.  
CAB DRIVER  
Where to?  
  
MORGAN  
To the castle.  
  
ELAINE  
The...the castle?  
  
MORGAN  
Castle Apartment building. Upper West side. Where I live.  
  
ELAINE  
Ah.  
  
MORGAN  
It's certainly a wild and stormy night. I enjoy a good storm.   
Makes the blood sing in the veins. Don't you think, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
Ri-ght. Sing. In the veins.  
  
MORGAN  
And it's a full moon. A Hunter's moon.  
  
ELAINE  
Why is it called a Hunter's moon?  
  
MORGAN  
Because a full moon makes it easier for predators to stalk their prey.   
They bide their time, then when the prey least expects it they...pounce!  
  
ELAINE JUMPS NERVOUSLY.  
  
MORGAN  
Hahaha!  
  
ELAINE  
(FEEBLY) Hahaha.  
CUT TO  
  
INT. NIGHT. MORGAN'S APARTMENT.  
  
MORGAN OPENS THE DOOR AND TRIES THE LIGHT, WHICH FAILS.  
MORGAN  
Damn. The storm must have knocked out the power. I'll get a torch.  
ELAINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. SHE STUMBLES BLINDLY AGAISNT A LARGE WOODEN CASE.   
THE LID FALLS OFF. THERE IS SOIL INSIDE.  
  
ELAINE  
Omigod! Morgan's coffin. Kramer was right. He's a vamp---  
  
ELAINE FAINTS.  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY, KRAMER AND NEWMAN.  
  
IT'S THE NEXT DAY. JERRY IS RECOUNTING ELAINE'S STORY.  
KRAMER  
I knew it! Morgan's a vampire. Go on, Jerry. What happened next?  
  
NEWMAN  
Did the vile creature drink deep of Elaine's blood? Is Elaine now.. undead?   
Did that foul fiend have his way with her?  
  
JERRY  
If you two idiots would shut up and let me finish.   
According to Elaine, when she came to the power was back on.   
She saw that what she thought was Morgan's coffin was actually a potting box.  
  
KRAMER  
A potting box?  
  
JERRY  
For orchids. Turns out Morgan grows exotic orchids as a hobby.   
That was what Newman found when he opened the parcel.   
Special compost for orchids.  
  
KRAMER  
So he's not a vampire?  
  
JERRY  
He's a commodity broker on Wall Street.  
  
NEWMAN  
And Elaine is perfectly fine?  
  
JERRY  
Not quite. When Kramer hit her in the face with the crucifix she chipped a tooth.   
She's at the dentist now getting it fixed.  
  
NEWMAN  
Ah well. Win some lose some.(HEADS TO THE DOOR)   
Y'know, there's a werewolf lives in a loft apartment on East 23rd Street.  
  
JERRY  
Goodbye Newman.  
  
JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR.  
  
KRAMER  
Oh man. I feel bad about Elaine. It's all my fault, Jerry.   
I'm gonna go over there to her apartment and apologise.  
  
JERRY  
Good for you.  
  
KRAMER  
Be a pal and loan me some bucks for the cab.  
INT. DAY. DENTIST'S SURGERY. ELAINE IN THE CHAIR.  
  
DENTIST  
This won't take long, Miss Benes. Just need to inject a little novocaine.  
  
ELAINE  
Ugh. I hate novocaine shots.   
They make my mouth go all numb and I end up dribbling like a baby.   
Do you have to?  
  
DENTIST  
Well, I could drill into the exposed nerve.   
But without novocaine it will be extremly painful.  
  
ELAINE  
(HASTILY) Gimme the shot.  
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.  
  
ELAINE IS IN A WHITE NIGHTDRESS, RELAXING IN FRONT OF THE TV.   
SHE'S DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF RED WINE.  
  
THE NOVOCAINE SHOT CAUSES HER TO DRIBBLE RED WINE DOWN HER CHIN AND STAIN HER NIGHTDRESS. SHE'S UNAWARE OF THIS.  
  
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.  
  
ELAINE OPENS IT. OUTSIDE IS KRAMER.  
  
KRAMER  
Hi Elaine. Just come over to say---- What's that down your chin?  
  
ELAINE DRIBBLES RED WINE TRYING TO SPEAK.  
  
KRAMER  
Whoa! That's blood! You're a vampire!  
  
KRAMER TURNS AND RUNS.  
  
*********************************SCENE FREEZES********************************  
  
********************************MUSIC PLAYS***********************************  
  
*******************************CREDITS ROLL*******************************  
  
*********************************THE END*************************************  
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
Or post a review at fan fiction.net 


End file.
